Forsaking the Kingdom: Talk from the April 2004 Womens Conference at BYU
Women’s Conference, April 2004
For both Martha and me this topic of "forsaking my kingdom" is a work in progress in our lives. We are simply hopeful that some of the insights we have to share might be helpful to you, and that what we are not able to articulate well in English, the Holy Spirit will be able to communicate to you.
This topic is one that whole books have been written about and we have less than an hour to talk about it with you, so, in the interest of conciseness, we are going to start with some basic assumptions.
First, we are assuming that you, like us, find yourself in a world where there are many good tasks, pursuits and undertakings competing for your time and attention: that the question is not how to become more efficient at multi-tasking, but rather how to know which ones to pursue and how to have the peace of mind and courage to let others of them go.
Secondly, we are assuming that if the question is: can simplifying our lives help us come closer to God., the answer is “yes”. Busyness is the antithesis of being still. You can’t be still if you are too busy doing too many things at once.
“Be still”, says the Lord, “and know that I am God”. (Psalm 46:10) Knowing God the Father and his son Jesus Christ is essential to eternal life. “This is life eternal,” said the Lord. “to know thee the only true God and Jesus Christ whom thou hast sent,” (John 17:3)
A life that is too busy, too rushed, too stressed, too overloaded with long urgent to-do lists, both daily and eternally, is a life with no time to be still, little time to know God; a life that cheats a person of one of life’s most important pathways to the Lord. We live lives, as Sheri Dew said, “too harried by the pace of life to really live the gospel and let it penetrate our souls.”
Third: The Lord is not interested in how many things we do well. More is not necessarily better. In the parable of the talents the servant who doubled his five talents was told “Well done thou good and faithful servant, thou hast been faithful over a few things…enter thou into the joy of thy Lord.”
The servant who doubled his two talents was told exactly the same thing—“Well done thou good and faithful servant, thou hast been faithful over a few things…enter thou into the joy of thy Lord.” (Matt. 25)
The number of talents they had successfully managed had no bearing on the praise and reward they received. They both received equal praise and promise.
In contrast to this we live in a world that effectively teaches two flagrant lies.
A) that the more competent, visionary, reliable and accomplished we are, the greater our worth and
B) if being able to do one thing well is good, doing five things well is better and doing ten things well is best of all. So, the more good things we do or understand, the greater our worth.
The prophet Samuel, while in Bethlehem to anoint a new king, looked for the son of Jesse that seemed the most competent, reliable and accomplished. He was, understandably, operating under the influence of that first lie. The Lord’s words to him were clear. “The Lord seeth not as a man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance”, (how much, how many), “but the Lord looketh on the heart.” ( 1st Samuel 16:7) When we stand before the Lord, both now and in the future, He is more interested in our hearts than in our list of accomplishments. But often we act as though we don’t believe that.
Most of our lives we wrestle with our tendency to believe the world’s lies: That more is better and competence is king. We feel like a failure or a drudge if it takes all we have just to take care of each day. As a result we push ourselves to do more, stretch ourselves thinner, volunteer for more projects, try more new endeavors and, though we may even find them all worthwhile and sometimes even interesting or exhilarating, we also have no time to be still.
Not only that, but all these good, worthy causes in which we are involved (or think we should be involved in) begin to compete with each other for our time and attention. We feel disappointed in ourselves if we do not undertake them all. We feel the pressure that so many women feel, that, if we don’t say yes to every good request or idea we are falling short, that because we have been given much not only must we must give much but we must give it in many, many different directions. That we must give much is true. That we must give in many, many different ways, so many that we lose sight of the most important is false.
In the Book of Alma, when Lamoni’s father began to understand the importance of choosing wisely the things that bring eternal life and joy, he said to Aaron, “Behold, I will give up all that I possess, yea I will forsake my kingdom, that I may receive this great joy.”
The question for us is: Are we willing to give up our kingdoms—the many things (both material things and multitudinous responsibilities and assumptions) that we have added to our lives in our quest for a sense of competence and worth? Are we willing to give them up in order to know God and be welcomed into the joy of his rest? And how do we know which ones to give up? They are all good.
As Bonnie D. Parkin said in last fall’s General Relief Society meeting, “Wouldn’t it be easy if we were choosing between visiting teaching and robbing a bank? Instead our choices are more subtle. We must choose between many worthy options.”
Let me share with you two insights that have helped me with this process of finding out and deciding which things to give up and which things are essential at various times in my life.
Insight #1—in each work we undertake—focus on the parts of it that the Lord has pointed out are most essential.
I was sitting in Sacrament meeting a few years ago when the speaker, a woman a few years younger than I, said something that sank deep into my soul.
She said, “The motivation for our work in our church callings should be love of God and love for our fellow men.” As Christ taught, all else hangs on these two principles.
I began to take stock of my life. I come from a small ward, so I was involved in a lot of church work.
Was I making visiting teaching visits simply because I loved those sisters that I visited, or was I doing it because my reputation as a competent visiting teacher was at stake and I wanted my Relief Society president and the Lord to know that I was dependable?
Was I putting a tremendous amount of effort into our ward Primary activity because I enjoyed and loved those children or because I got personal satisfaction out of doing a bang-up job?
Was I preparing my Sunday School lesson because I loved the Lord’s teachings and dearly loved the young people in my class or because I was hoping that the Lord or someone else would think “Wow, Sister H. sure teaches good lessons, and she’s there every Sunday, too.”
When I honestly answered those questions, I was not impressed with my answers.
So I started to watch and change my reasons for doing the things I was doing. What happened in my life as I did so surprised me. My definition of success and competence and worth and my sense of peace with the gospel dramatically changed. Success was not measured by my statistical reports (though my statistics stayed the same). Success was not measured by the number of people who participated in an activity or presentation that I made, or by the number of positive comments I received afterwards. Success was not measured by how many things I did or kept track of or embraced. Success was simply measured by how much I loved the people I was working with. And I found that I could love them a lot.
Interestingly, though the work I was doing became less detailed and flashy, and instead was more simple, the effectiveness of the work did not change. And the stress and busyness levels went waydown and the joy and love levels went way up.
I had found that a part of my kingdom that I needed to give up was the part that did good works out of a sense of responsibility and a wish to be perceived by the Lord or anyone else as dependable, worthy, imaginative, competent and helpful.
My insight: I needed to measure success by how much I loved.
Should this have surprised me? No. “By this shall men know that ye are my disciples,” said the Lord, “if ye have love one to another.” (John 13:35)
I came to understand that joy and satisfaction in the Lord’s service didn’t come from the quantity of tasks I completed, the far reaching effects of my efforts, the intensity and creativity involved or from the statistical results. Joy in the Lord’s service came from the love involved in each task I undertook.
It wasn’t the fact that I was successfully juggling many responsibilities that was truly satisfying. Working lovingly and honestly at the things I chose to do, be they few or many, was what made the difference.
Which leads to my second insight that I will share with you. It is in response to the question: With so many opportunities to be involved in so many good things, with so many needs to be filled, and so many expectations we put upon ourselves, how do we decide which are most important?
Nephi was very clear about this when he said “feast upon the words of Christ, for behold the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.” (2 Nephi 32:3) It is our study and familiarity with the Lord’s own words and those spoken by His prophets that help us to see things and make choices from the Lord’s perspective.
Nephi also said that the Holy Ghost will “show unto you all things what ye should do.” (2 Nephi 32:5) Each of us face individual, unique choices as to what to pursue and what to give up in our lives. It is the promptings of the Holy Ghost that will help us in that sorting out process. Let me give you an example of how a combination of the Lord’s words through his prophet and the promptings of the Holy Ghost can work together this way.
Many years ago President David O. McKay spoke to a group of church employees and one of them, had the good presence of mind to take good notes. This is his account of President McKay’s remarks:
“Let me assure you, Brethren, that some day you will have a personal…interview with the Savior. If you are interested, I will tell you the order in which he will ask you to account for your earthly responsibilities.
“First, He will request an accountability report about your relationship with your wife [or in our case, your husband]. Have you been actively involved in making her happy and ensuring that her needs have been met as an individual?”
(Note—not “have you made sure your spouse has done everything he or she was supposed to do or that you want done”—this is about the quality of our response to him or her—the love and care)
“Second, He will want an accountability report about each of your children individually. He will not attempt to have this simply for a family stewardship but will request information about your relationship to each and every child.”
(Again, note—the relationship—not did you make sure they all got their eagle scout and Young Women awards, went on missions, married in the temple, stayed clean and sober and always made wise choices—no---it’s our relationship with them—the love and the care.)
“Third, He will want to know what you have personally done with the talents you were given in the pre-existence.”
(Beware, we tend to think of talents in the world’s terms—the things that require education and public performance. I find, however, that usually the Lord means the spiritual gifts you were given—gifts like patience, or understanding or charity or revelation or healing—gifts particularly given to us as individual daughters of God)
“Fourth, He will want a summary of your activity in your church assignments. He will not necessarily be interested in what assignments you have had, for in His eyes the home teacher and a mission president are probably equals, but he will require a summary of how you have been of service to your fellow men in your church assignments.
“Fifth, He will have no interest in how you earned your living, but [He will be interested in] if you were honest in all your dealings.
“Sixth, He will ask for an accountability on what you have done to contribute in a positive manner to your community, state, country and the world.”
From these prophetic words I gain two things:
1. It reinforces my understanding of the importance of love and integrity (not quantity and vision and volume and creativity) as a measure of my success
2. If you look at it carefully, it is a formulation of priorities.
(envision it as a series of concentric circles, rather like a bullseye)
We stand before the Lord (this is at the center)
He asks us about our relationship with our spouse (if and when we have one).
Then he asks us about our relationship with our children (if we had them),
Then the putting into practice of our spiritual strengths,
Then the service we have rendered when called,
Then our honesty and integrity (not our competency) in our vocation,
And finally our contributions to our community, state, nation and world.
Here we are presented with what can be seen as a diagram of priorities, with the most essential at the center and the less important farther out.
Now, not all of the various worthy responsibilities we have are on this diagram. For example, our relationships with our parents and with our siblings are not. The key for me has been to take President McKay’s words as a basic structure and then find out from the Lord, through the promptings of the Holy Ghost on a regular basis, where all of the good things I want to do, or feel I should do, fit into it.
Then, with those answers from the Lord I can more clearly choose where to focus my attention and with the Lord’s blessing, choose peacefully and whole-heartedly to focus my attention on the ones that are closer to the center, moving to the ones farther out as resources permit.
Richard G. Scott said, “We shouted for joy when given the privilege of coming to earth to receive a body and to move forward in God’s plan for our happiness. Part of [the] testing here is to have so many seemingly interesting things to do that we can forget the main purposes for being here…Satan works very hard so that the essential things won’t happen. In quiet moments when you think about it you recognize what is critically important and what isn’t. Be wise and don’t let good things crowd out those that are essential.” (RGS GC April 1997)
Armed with this knowledge, then, when I need to make a choice between two good endeavors…for instance, when someone says, “but this is your cousin’s wedding”, I can say, “yes, but this is my son’s recital”.
“But,” (says the voice in my head) “your kitchen floor needs some serious attention, it’s disgusting, you can’t put it off any longer”, I can answer, “Yes, but right now the young sister that I visit teach needs me to spend some time with her.”
And when I feel guilty because “this is the local park’s main fundraiser for playground equipment” I can say, “yes, but this is the commitment I made with integrity to my clients” and peacefully and wholeheartedly fulfill my responsibility there.
What does it mean to choose peacefully and wholeheartedly? It means choosing, knowing that The Lord understands the limits of time and energy that we experience as part of our earthly existence.
Those limits are part of His plan for us. Choosing wisely which good things to spend our energy on, and which “also good” things to let go or spend less energy on is part of the process of learning how to love and to see life as He does.
Sometimes in our lives the important priorities closer to the center require almost all of the time and energy we are given in this life and we have the unique opportunity to carefully give them our best attention with only smaller amounts of resources for the other areas. Other times those center areas will be non-existent or be humming along nicely with just a small, regular amount of time and attention, and at those times we have the time and resources needed for greater involvement in the choices and challenges and stewardships farther out.
To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven. (Ecclesiastes 3:1)
I started this talk with the 10th verse of the 46th Psalm: “Be still and know that I am God.” So let me end with a final note on being still.
Being still is not something that happens only when we are alone and quiet. It is often something that happens when we are wholeheartedly and peacefully engaged in a task that is most important.
As a mother of young children once commented, “There is no joy in sitting on the couch, reading to my children when my mind is focusing on all of the things that are on my to-do list. But if I can school my mind to stop talking, and focus solely on the children and the book in hand—aaah---there is joy.”
She is learning how to embrace what the Lord has told her is most important for her right then and she is learning to let the less important wait a bit.
The words of the Lord and his prophets help us understand where we need to focus our attention at various times in our lives and where we do not. The gift of the Holy Ghost gives us the individual insights into the specific choices in our own lives and the courage we need to frame our choices and act accordingly with peace of mind. Jesus Christ has taught us that all we do needs to be based on love of God and love for our fellowmen.
I know the Lord will guide us in the choices we make and the priorities we set if we will listen to Him and his personally revealed call to love and where instead of to the world or to the demands we put upon ourselves in response to our church culture or catch phrases. I know that if we listen to the Lord we will learn what to keep and what to let go, what to focus on now and what to leave for later. And I know that in that there is great peace and quiet joy.
